There and Back Again
by margie
Summary: * Ch 3 Up * Sequel to my fic It Doesn't Matter. Finally an update! And a plot! Go figure...
1. Default Chapter

Author: Margie  
Title: There and Back Again  
Rating: PG-13  
Pairing: B/S  
Summary: Sequel to my fic "It Doesn't Matter". My take on S7.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Joss owns all characters, etc.  
  
********************************************************************************************  
  
It had been three weeks since his return. He had seen her four times in total. Every time he saw her he wanted to shout out to her what had happened. Wanted to share his entire being with her. But he held back, still unsure of his role in her life. If he even had a role in her life anymore.  
  
She had asked him to stay. Those whispered words still echoed in his mind. Had given him hope. But since then they hadn't gone beyond more than a hello and a how are you. He knew he had to give her time. Knew that forgiving him was still in future tense for her.   
  
How could he earn back her trust? Did he even ever have it? She had never trusted him completely. He knew that. He paced back and forth in his crypt. The telly's sound muted as he wrestled with the thoughts in his head.  
  
He hadn't seen anyone else from the gang either. Except Bit of course. She had come crashing through his door the second night he was back. He remembered whipping his head around thinking it was Buffy and then seeing her standing there instead. The anger evident in her face.  
  
"What are you doing back?" She had demanded. Her fists held angrily against her hips.  
  
" 'Ello Bit"  
  
"Don't call me that." She entered the crypt warily. She hadn't been back since that night with Clem. Everything looked the same. As if Spike had never left. The same candles, the same ratty lounger, the same television. For some reason it made her angrier. As if he were trying to say that nothing was different that he hadn't tried to attack her sister and then disappeared for four months. The muscles in her jaw tightened.  
  
"Well. Do you have anything to say?" She spat at him through clenched teeth.  
  
"It's complicated Bit." His fingers wove through his hair. "I can't ask you to forgive me. I haven't asked Buffy to forgive me. But I came to explain to her. To let her know that I do love her. That I was out of my mind that night. And that I left to try to make things right."  
  
"Make things right? You can't turn back time Spike!" Her eyes were flashing in anger. And her fists had moved from her hips to hang stiffly by her side.   
  
He winced at her angry words. Knowing that she was right. Wondering how he had believed that he could win Buffy's trust back. "I know Bit - "  
  
"Don't call me that!"   
  
"Dawn. I know. I can't explain right now. I need to tell your sis first. But I've changed. I won't ever hurt her or you ever again. I promise."  
  
"I've heard your promises before Spike. And I believed them." She was crying now. Not bothering to wipe away the tears. Her body began to shake. She saw Spike take a step towards her, as if to comfort. But she held up her hand to stop him. "You promised you wouldn't hurt us. And you did. You promised you wouldn't leave and you did. And you promised to protect me. And then you left when I needed you most."   
  
Despite her warding hand, Spike continued to step closer. The pain in his chest was almost unbearable. She had crumpled to the ground. When he finally reached her side, he pulled her into his lap and held her as she shook.   
  
"Shhh luv. I'm sorry. I know S'not enough, but I am. I never meant to hurt you. I'll never leave again. Unless you or your sis ask me to. Shhh." He gently rubbed her back and held her close. Feeling the pain tear through him at what he had done.  
  
She sniffled once or twice. And her body continued its quaking, but her sobs had subsided a bit. When she was able to speak her words were soft and whispered. "I found her. I found the body."  
  
Spike stilled. "What luv? What body?" He could almost feel his heart beat pick up a pace.   
  
"Tara. After Warren...Nobody was home. I was looking...And I found her."   
  
He was stunned. At first he thought he hadn't heard right. But he realized that in the weeks since his return he had not seen either of the witches, patrolling or otherwise. "Willow? What about Willow?"  
  
"What about her!" Her voice was shrill as she spoke. She wiped at her eyes once more and in a softer voice said simply, "she tried to kill me."  
  
Spike couldn't form words. He felt the breath he didn't need flee his body. He felt as if he were choking. Choking on the pain. Choking on the anger. Choking on the self hatred. What had he done? Why had he left? Glinda was dead. Red? Red tried to kill Dawn? Why?  
  
"Why?" His mouth echoed the thought running through his head. "Why would she?"  
  
Dawn was staring at the ground now. Not looking at him. Her voice sounded old and far away. As if she had spent all the emotion she could. "After Tara. She went...she went insane. She killed Warren. She went after Jonathan and the other one. But Buffy tried to protect them. Tried to stop her from going any further. She tried to kill me. She fought Buffy. Almost killed Giles and Anya. Then she tried to destroy the world." The story spilled out as if she had memorized it. The words not really registering anymore. Still staring at the ground she didn't see the blank expression on Spike's face. The expression that he had schooled himself to reveal when he didn't know what truths to believe.  
  
"Xander stopped her. Xander saved the world."   
  
"Dawn. Luv. I'm so sorry. I didn't know."   
  
"Did Buffy tell you that Warren shot her too? She almost died." Dawn's eyes spilled over again as she thought of how close she had come to losing Buffy. She didn't think she could take anymore losses. "Willow saved her." That was the one thing that kept Dawn from completely hating her. From finding Anya and wishing that Willow had never been born. She had spared Dawn the pain of losing yet another Summers.  
  
Spike felt his heart drop down to his stomach. Saw a flash of golden hair as her head hit the concrete debris. Felt the pain of losing her all over again. Tears fell as he realized how close he had come to living that reality once again.  
  
He shuddered as the sobs fell. Now both he and Dawn were wrapped around one another. Giving comfort. Grieving. Loving. He had nearly lost both his girls. He hung on to Dawn. Not wanting to picture such a loss. Not wanting to let her go.  
  
After what seemed like hours they pulled apart. Both sets of eyes red and puffy. Dawn was quiet now. All the anger having left her during their cathartic embrace. She finally looked at him. Really saw his face, his eyes for the first time since entering the crypt.   
  
She saw love, grief, and anger. She was too tired to fight. Too tired to forgive. "I don't trust you. Not yet. I don't know if I ever can." She sighed and stood. "But if you're not going to stay. Then you need to leave. Today." She walked back to the open door and stood in the frame. She halted once to say, "If you ever hurt her again, I'll stake you myself." Then she was gone.  
  
He smirked at the memory of her. Her fire, her spirit. Just like her big sis. His girls. His smirk disappeared as he contemplated once more what he could do to win them back. To win their trust, their love.   
  
Dusk had fallen. He stepped out the door and breathed in the night. Maybe it was time to see the rest of the scoobies. 


	2. The Scoobies

Title: There and Back Again Author: Margie Rating: PG-13 Pairing: B/S Summary: Spike returns. My take on S7.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss Whedon owns all characters, etc. etc. **********************************************************************  
  
He found them all at the Magic Box. Big bloody surprise. He peered in and was startled at the difference. It looked like they had done some remodeling. Knowing how often that place got beaten up, he wouldn't be surprised to find out that it wasn't by choice.  
  
Demon-girl was at the register as per usual. Which was no longer on the right side of the large room, but had been moved to the back, just under the loft. If she looked up just now she would see him through the window. The whelp and Bit were sitting around the table. No longer in the center of the room, but moved to the right just as you walked in the door. They were so close he could actually read the title of the chapter Bit was reading. Looked like she was doing some of her homework - for once. He didn't see Buffy, but he could sense her. He always knew when she was near. She must be in the back, training. One thing they had kept the same, he supposed.  
  
It hit him then that this was it. The entire scooby gang. Glinda was gone. Red was who knew where? And the Watcher had gone back to jolly old England. So this was it. Just the four of them. And him, if they'd let him back in. Christ. Had he just admitted that he had been part of the scoobies?  
  
He wondered if Buffy had told them. If they knew he was back and would potentially be walking in that door any minute. He was surprised that the whelp hadn't come breaking down his door with a stake at the ready. Buffy had said he knew. That he had found her, seen her bruises. Maybe she hadn't told him he'd come back. Maybe this was a mistake.  
  
But he had to go in. He couldn't hide out for long. And he wasn't fond of the idea of hiding out from anyone. He sighed and reached for the door.  
  
Anya looked up at the sound of the bell jingling. She hadn't expected to see Spike, but wasn't surprised that he had finally come around. Buffy had told them two weeks ago that he had come back to town.  
  
"Hello Spike. Do you like the new store? Had to rebuild after Willow destroyed it." She stated matter of factly, the way she stated everything actually.  
  
"Yeah Pet, it's lovely." He looked around to see Xander standing, his posture stiff and angry. Dawn was sitting looking up at him, her expression neutral.  
  
"What are you doing here bastard?"  
  
"Look wh-, Xander. You have every right to hate me. But Buffy asked me to stay. So I'm staying." He folded his arms over his chest and stood stubbornly before them. The muscles in his jaw tightened, preparing for a fight.  
  
Just then Buffy entered the room. She had heard his voice. Spike turned to see her, anxiety flashing in her hazel eyes. He sighed and forced his muscles to relax. Running his rough fingers through his hair he said, "Look. I just wanted to offer some help. Since I'm going to be staying for a bit, I figured that I could make myself useful."  
  
Buffy felt his gaze the entire time he spoke. He never looked away from her. "Staying for a bit?" She asked absently, the first thoughts that came to her after hearing his speech.  
  
"Until you ask me to go luv." He answered back. He was so caught up in watching her, feeling her, that he was caught off guard when the fist hit his face. He heard his neck crack as the force of the punch sent his head whipping to the side.  
  
He turned to find Xander breathing heavily next to him. His nostrils were flared and he looked ready to kill someone. "Don't you dare! Don't you dare waltz in here thinking everything is okay. Thinking that you can just walk in and call her luv!"  
  
Xander began pacing the room. His anger was boiling over. He had seen Buffy on the floor. Crying. Hurt. Vulnerable. How could anyone do that to her? How could anyone take away her strength, her confidence like that? How could anyone take away what was essentially Buffy?  
  
The room had quieted. The tension was palpable. Neither Dawn nor Buffy had made any moves to come to his defense. He hadn't expected them too. Though it hurt a little that this was the first time it had happened.  
  
"Xander. I know." God, how many times was he going to have to go through this? He couldn't apologize. He couldn't explain. "I don't have an explanation. Or an apology. I know that both are useless."  
  
"I can't take back what I did. I can promise never to hurt any of you ever again. But I know how much my word means right now."  
  
"You mean ever. I never trusted you. And I told Buffy not to either!"  
  
"I know. You were right." His hand was running through his hair again. A nervous habit he just couldn't get rid of. Kind of like his smoking. Something to do with his hands.  
  
"But things are different now. I won't ever hurt her again. And I won't leave. Not unless she asks me to." Although he was speaking to Xander his eyes had wandered to capture hers again.  
  
"Yeah right! Why should we believe you now?" This was ridiculous! Soulless undead thought we would just take his word for it? "You're still a soulless, evil, undead thing!" Xander spat at him.  
  
Spike took a deep breath. He deserved that. But was now the time to come clean? Xander had given him the perfect opening. He had been wanting to tell her for so long. And he could see in her eyes that she wanted an answer to. Wanted to know how she could trust him now when she never could before?  
  
"I'm not." It was so soft that they barely heard. Xander was still raging, and didn't respond. But Dawn had heard and leaned curiously forward.  
  
"You're not what?" Her brow rose in a familiar Summer's expression.  
  
"I'm not." He turned to face Buffy then, making sure that she was listening. That she was watching him, seeing his sincerity. ".soulless."  
  
If she had thought the room was quiet before, she was wrong. The silence was deafening. Worse than when the Gentlemen had been in Sunnydale. Had she heard him right? That one word. The one word that had kept them apart for so long. That made her believe that his feelings for her were impossible. That her feelings for him were depraved. Soulless? He wasn't? Huh?  
  
"Huh?" Her mouth echoed her mind. She had so many questions, but that was the only word she could get her mouth to form.  
  
"I told Bit. I told her that I left to try to make things right." His eyes were moist now. Reliving that night. Reliving the pain he had heard in her voice, seen in her face.  
  
"That night. When I saw your face. When I saw the fear and the pain. The fear that I caused. The pain that I inflicted." His breath hitched. Though he didn't need it, he often forgot when his emotions came into play.  
  
"I realized that you were right. That you were all right. I was a thing. A soulless monster." Even Xander was quiet now. Having stopped pacing he watched Spike from the far corner of the room. Assessing his sincerity.  
  
"I knew that I could never be the man for you. Because I wasn't a man. Christ! I couldn't even control myself around you! I promised to protect Bit and you. And instead I hurt you. I nearly.r-raped you." The words left his lips cold and hard. He hadn't said it aloud before. Hadn't said the word. The tears left his eyes then. He swiped them away with one hand as he continued.  
  
"God! I can never apologize enough for that. You can't trust me? I don't know if I can trust myself. I honestly believed that I would never hurt you Buffy. I honestly did."  
  
Buffy's head was swimming. She had heard his apology weeks ago. Had told him that they had both done things they were sorry for. Things that they had to forgive each other for. And she still believed that. Still believed that they had hurt each other with equal intensity. But right now her mind was reeling from his earlier disclosure. A soul? Ever since she had asked him to stay she had been pondering their relationship. Wondering whether it really mattered anymore. She had acted as cruelly to him as he had to her. She had a soul. Did it really matter any more that he didn't?  
  
"I left that night. Because I couldn't face you. Because I was afraid to face you. I thought I would never hurt you and I did. How could I be sure that I wouldn't do it again?" He was pacing now. Walking back and forth in front of the big display window. His hands waving agitatedly as he spoke.  
  
"I'd heard of this bloke. A demon who could grant a wish, if you passed some sort of trial. It took awhile to get there. Took longer to recover afterwards. But I made it through. Got my wish." He stopped his story there. But continued pacing. His hand inching toward his pocket for a cigarette. Though he knew that he had never been allowed to smoke in the shop.  
  
"You wished for a soul?" Buffy asked softly. Knowing his abhorrence to the idea.  
  
"Not 'xactly luv." He saw Xander's fist clench at the moniker he used. "I only asked to be able to give you what you deserved." He sighed. Well it was all out now. He looked up to find Buffy staring at him, eyes wide.  
  
"So he gave you a soul?" Buffy stepped closer toward him. "Is it.permanent?"  
  
"As far as I know l-, pet." He took a quick glance at Xander to find a disbelieving look on his face.  
  
"Bull shit! How do you expect us to believe that?" Xander was stalking toward him now, both fists clenched but still at his side.  
  
"I don't know. It's not like I have any bloody proof! It's just the truth." Spike didn't know how he was supposed to convince them. It wasn't like he could go down to the local drug store and pick up a soul purity test or something!  
  
"Even if it is true, it still doesn't change the past! It still doesn't change what you did to Buffy!" Xander was standing in front of him now. Buffy grabbed him from behind and spun him around to face her instead.  
  
"Xander! That's enough. I love you. You're a great friend. And I understand you're anger, believe me. But this is between Spike and I. Only I have the right to punish or forgive him for any of what happened last year." She pulled him into a hug, letting him know how much his love and concern meant to her. But she was serious when she said that this was none of his business.  
  
"Do you understand me?" She pulled away just far enough to look him in the eyes. He nodded grudgingly, still wanting to beat the stupid vampire until he turned to dust. But he'd lost enough friends lately. He didn't need to lose anymore. And he recognized it when he saw Buffy's resolve face. He wasn't going to cross her on something so important.  
  
She turned back to face Spike. His head was down and he was snarling. Apparently he wasn't very happy at having to be protected from Xander. Well, tough. She waved her small hand in front of his face to get his attention.  
  
"Hello?" When he finally looked up, she asked, "You said you wanted to help right? Well I'm patrolling now. So come on." She started to walk toward the front door, calling behind her, "I'll see you at home Dawnie."  
  
Right now she needed to let out some tension. From the moment she heard his voice drifting over from the front room she could feel a knot building in her neck and shoulders. She wanted to slay. Wanted to get her adrenalin flowing. Forget all of the thoughts swirling around her head, for just a little while.  
  
They could talk later. 


	3. Patrol

Title: There and Back Again Author: Margie Rating: PG-13 Pairing: B/S Summary: Spike returns from Africa, strange things happen. Forgiveness, friendship, love, and some interesting plot diversions (I hope).  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, or really anything worth mentioning.  
  
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They walked along in silence, stealing glances at each other. Spike wasn't sure how to act now, what to say. He had just revealed the outcome of his journey to Africa and wasn't sure what the response was. Buffy hadn't said a word since they left the Magic Box. So he kept silent as well.  
  
For her part, Buffy was shocked into speechlessness. Spike had a soul. Those words kept echoing through her mind.  
  
They had reached the cemetery killing four vamps during the first hour. She didn't attempt speech with him until halfway through their second sweep. "What does it feel like?"  
  
"What do you mean luv?"  
  
"Your soul. I mean.do you feel different?" She peered at him sideways.  
  
"Yeah luv." He sighed and took a drag of his cigarette before continuing. "I don't know exactly. Can't describe how it feels. It's almost like I got a second bloke in here with me."  
  
They sat together on a stone bench.  
  
"He's constantly whispering in my ear, you know? Do this. Don't do that. Bloody pillock." He turned toward her.  
  
"But." Buffy chewed on her bottom lip. "You don't seem that different. I mean, not like Angel and Angelus. Don't you feel guilty?"  
  
Her eyes were wide in her face. Spike itched to place his hand on her cheek, to feel her satiny smooth skin again.  
  
"I'm not Angel luv." He felt a small ache at her immediate comparison to his sire. "This bloody soul has me reliving my unlife every day. I close my eyes and see the faces of the men and women I've killed and the ones they left behind, just like peaches."  
  
"The difference is that I had a chance to regret my choices even before my bloody soul." He closed his eyes and turned away dropping the cigarette butt to the ground.  
  
Buffy's hand snuck out to land on Spike's knee. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Buffy I.I know you don't believe it but I loved you. Still do." His eyes were open and feasting on her face once again. "It changed me. You changed me."  
  
His hand came up to dry wash his face before speaking again. "I realized a long time ago that what I was.what I'd done.that you could never love me. For that I regretted every choice I'd ever made. Except letting Dru turn me. 'Cause otherwise I would never have met you." He gave her a half apologetic smile.  
  
"After awhile I started realizing that there were more reasons to regret my indiscretions. The way I feel about you and Bit. If anything ever happened to either one of you.how could I do that to all those people?" He was breathing deeply as he spoke, fighting back tears of remorse.  
  
Buffy's hand moved of its own volition. She squeezed his knee before shifting to his back to draw warm circles there.  
  
Before she could form a response Spike's head snapped up, game face on. He sprang off the bench toward the group of vamps approaching, Buffy right behind him.  
  
There were six of them. They'd seen worse odds. They were fighting back to back. Buffy could feel Spike's duster swaying as he fought the vamps attacking him.  
  
She threw a right cross at the undead ugly in front of her, then spun around knocking the other two down. Before she could rise from her crouch, she felt strong hands grab her from behind. She went flying a few feet to the left, crashing down on the bench they had just vacated.  
  
By the time she was able to look up again Spike was surrounded. They were circling and taunting him. One had grabbed the stake she had dropped during her flight.  
  
Buffy watched as two of the vamps rushed Spike throwing him to the ground.  
  
"Spike!" Her legs felt like lead as she made her way back to him. Time slowed as she watched Spike struggle to free himself.  
  
The vamp with the stake moved forward his arm stretched above his head. The scream died in Buffy's throat choking her as the stake rammed home. Suddenly she was there.  
  
She could only concentrate on one thing. He's dead, her mind kept repeating. He's not coming back this time.  
  
She moved with the preternatural speed of a slayer. Throwing kicks and punches that she didn't feel. Her sight blurred as the first tears fell. She almost didn't notice the vampire gang flee the scene, too tired and numb to give chase.  
  
When she lost sight of the last one she stopped and fell to her knees letting the sobs overtake her.  
  
"What the bleedin' hell?!"  
  
Buffy spun around, her jaw falling open. Spike sat just a few feet behind her rubbing at the hole left in his chest, blood seeping out to stain his hand.  
  
"But.they." Buffy was speechless. Had they missed? No. She knew a kill shot when she saw one.  
  
Buffy crossed to Spike kneeling on the ground beside him. "How?" She whispered as she reached out to touch him. She watched as the hole began to slowly knit itself together.  
  
"Don't know luv. Don't think this was part of the package." Spike answered absently as he continued to stroke the wound.  
  
Satisfied now that he was real and still undead, Buffy grabbed Spike's arm and placed it around her shoulders. "Come on. You need blood, let's get back to your crypt." She helped him stand and they began to walk together.  
  
"We'll figure this out." She assured him. 


End file.
